Here’s what women, or at least I, understand about men: You’re probably thinking about sex with lil’ ole me sipping my vino across you. Your ego is more precious than your family jewels and instead of ‘jealous’, you’re simply territorial.
Basically, no matter how many Emilio Zegna suits you own and Biotherm products you slop on your handsome devil face — no matter how much art you patronize, you’re inherently, a fucking caveman.
Yet you still want your woman to be independent, have a job, birth babies, pay half the mortgage AND hit on you. Tsk tsk. Shame on you. Lest we forget, cook like Gordon Ramsay.
Sorry, who’s driving again?
You (males) should be. You know the saying “too many cooks spoil the soup”? It’s the same in a relationship — and please don’t make this complicated for me by going into the intricacies of timelines (i.e. “I’ll go Dutch initially until we’re going steady, maybe two weeks down the track.” You won’t last two screws with that attitude). The relationship starts the minute you meet her.
I know what you’re thinking. “Wow that really gives me alotta perspective about just how many failed romances I’ve got in my bag”. Its okay, it’s not too late to change.
I’ll get to ‘What men hate about women and why we act that way’, eventually. But I’ll give you a hint: it’s inversely related to how men think/behave.
I think it’s got a lot to do with gender roles being blurred in the 80s and women spitting on men for holding a fucking door open. Those bra burning Lesbos really mucked things up good with their feminism movement. I’m sure I don’t mean that in a career sense, but romantically, well, those lines should have been dealt with separately.
Maybe it’s just a case of redefining equality and gender roles. Or maybe it’s a matter of going with what we’re comfortable with as individuals (some women break out at the thought of a man picking up the cheque, others get wildly turned on) and doing away with gender roles altogether. Of course, assuming equality always, as sophisticated beings.
But at the end of the day, the male is ultimately in the driver’s seat. So if you’re date is awkward, uncomfortable and you can sense the chances of getting your willy stroked are slim to none, don’t bitch about the girl to your mates at the pub.
It’s you, not her.
Liz
Be a fucking man
The last post lead me to one of the most pondered dating questions: Is it okay for a woman to approach a man?Of course it’s fucking okay as long as he doesn’t own a rifle and a menacing desire to blow someone’s brains out. Most guys (note use of the term guys and not men) will say they wouldn’t normally approach a woman (losers) but are always happy when (good looking) females approach them.
The thing is, if you think of yourself as a self-respecting guy and you start stealing flirtatious/interested glances with a woman, and she reciprocates — be a fucking man and go up to her.
Smile. Say hi. Pay her a compliment. Keep it sincere. Follow up with a question to indicate interest (“Do you work around here?). Don’t out-linger your welcome. “I’d really love to stay and chat but I’ve got to get going (make her despair), but I’d love to take you out (treat her like a lady) to dinner. Are you free on (be assertive) Friday night (and decisive)? I know a great place (be a charming host) that does great Mexican food and Margheritas (be fun). Do you like Mexican food? (Check for allergies). Ask for her number (be a fucking man). Text her and hour later and tell her how much you thanked the heavens for making her acquaintance. Exchange a few flirty sms. Tell her exactly where and what time to meet. Done. Playa.
There is a difference between having game, and playing games.
Finally, on date night: be normal. Be in control.
Next post: What guys hate about women and why we act that way.
Liz
Whatever happened to meeting people in real life?
Prepubescent males are too chickenshit to approach lovely lone women reading the current best seller while sipping on trim lattes in cafes. They’d rather sit behind the protective comfort of their laptops and post ads to play nappy fetish games with depressed Goths.
My lovely 17 year old cousin was talking to me about boys yesterday. She’s going through that awkward phase in a young woman’s life where she’s not quite sure if she’s beautiful or desirable simply because she doesn’t have a boyfriend in Junior College, she’s not sure she fits in with the other girls and thinks there’s something wrong with her. We’ve all been there, and for some reason, keep going back there, even in our adult lives. Freggin’ ridiculous.
Anyway, I told her she should put on a frilly dress, strappy heels, touch of blush and a dash of mascara and head to a breezy café with a good, but light, book. “2 in 5 times, you’ll get hit on” I assured her. Her response: “That is so cool, but you know, my parents are being really strict now” (She lives in Singapore).
My response: “I was a pro at getting out of the iron grip. What’s your situation like? On second thoughts, I’m sure you’ll get a chance to spend a few hours by yourself one of these weekends” Screw her parents calling me up and accusing me of their angel’s fall from grace.
But it got me thinking about the last time I met a dashing young man while minding my own business, going about my day. It’s been a really long time, and it definitely hasn’t happened to me living in New Zealand or Australia.
Liz
Gumtree Australia personals get personal
Oh goodie. 'Hotmaleforu' now has to go through the tedious process of giving up a few more details to RSVP, Gumtree's new online dating partner, in order to connect with other members. In the past, it was simply a case of filling out an online form where the only fields 'bozo79' had to fill out were title, description, email address and viola! Now, lonely singles and married spouses alike have to sign up to RSVP with their names, date of births AND agree to the Ts and Cs.
Do you think this sign up process will deter The Last-Minute Man and other assorted pee-pee pullers?
Don't get me wrong, I do believe it's possible for two people who are meant to be to find each other online but let's face it, there's alotta toads and scum out there. Although, I wonder if this means I'll have less ass wipes to make fun of. Plus, I have to sign up to become a dang member if I want to trawl through the profiles now. Not that Gumtree is my only source of muses, but it was the easiest to trawl.
Oh well, at least RSVP looks free.
How to read (through) online personals: Nicknames
The only thing a dating site search engine doesn’t filter is weirdos. You have to do that for yourself — but we already know this, yes? So here's a subtle thing you ought to be looking out for, and by that I mean scrutinize, when you're trawling through online personals: a member's chosen nickname.
Someone who goes by “John (obviously not his real name) Smith” is probably a safer bet than “LoveMonkey2000”. You have to think of someone’s chosen alias as their alter ego. Would you go on a date with someone who thinks of himself as 'Captain America' (loves comics), 'mrnatural' (likes sex without condoms) or 'established' (lower third quartile income bracket with no taste)?
Similarly, and if you are looking for love online, for the love of God, put some care into the alias you chose for yourself. You might think SweetBunny71 reflects your sweet and cute nature, but trust me, it makes weirdos think “Mmm, Bunny likes to bounce a lot... How you doin'?” Even the nice ones out there will judge you based on your chosen alias. Go for something simple, like Jane, or Susan. Ladies please, 'luckyufoundme' is not going to evoke a response from any half decent gentleman and will only serve to attract desperados and you don't want that, do you now.
Liz
Personal of the week
Title: im looking for an asian girlhello. im looking for an asian girl.
Hello Easy Pleaser. This guy is looking for; you guessed it, an asian girl.
Will Miss Swan do?
This guy is definitely a lazy sob. He doesn’t seem to have any other requirements (short/tall, slim/slimmer, long hair/short hair, young/old) apart from being ‘asian’. In which case, he could go to a number of places to pick up an oriental takeaway. Chinatown, photo sticker booths, Asian gift stores (you know, the ones that sell everything pink and glittery but nothing actually useful) and bus stops are all good starting points.
Although, if like Easy Pleaser you find meeting girls in public places doesn’t hold a high success rate, please stop freaking them out with the wild gleam Crazy Eyes! Or simply approach the ones that can’t get away from you, this includes the girls in the bubble tea booth and any retail outlet. But if you fancy the girl at the spicy noodle stand be warned: her Auntie is slaughtering chickens in the back room and she isn't afraid to take a swipe at the odd pervert.
Liz
Mirror, mirror
OK, so how not to come across as a curmudgeon or bitterly rejected? Oh I know, just lie or be inconsistent. By accounts, it seems to be the way to go when writing profiles and posting photos.
From the 47-year old Aucklander who lists herself as 39 but ‘cleverly’ reveals her true age in one of the ‘deeper’ pages of her profile through to another who describes herself as a “full-time Mum” (admirable) who ‘just love[s] to go sailing in the Islands’ (Sugar daddy admirals only need apply).
So, what’s the reader or aspiring dater really supposed to think? Should we discount everything we read by a certain ratio and so assume all listings are lies? Should we ignore what people write and just rely on the pictures; knowing that if the face doesn’t fit we can just leave?
And what do readers think of our profiles and do they expect the truth? Where does game theory come in? Does it matter? Of course none of it matters! The information richness of the arena almost forces participants to either lie (“I have lots of friends and a really full life and my friends say I’m the most wonderful person never to have won the Nobel Prize for best friend forever.”) or just make stuff up to fill in the gaps (“My hobbies are car racing and shopping”) so as not to sound too… dare I say it?... DULL! How sad is that the contestants in this little beauty parade are forced by intense scrutiny to deny both their own realness and their acceptance of the realness of others?
The reality is that what every wannabe half of a whole is looking for is developed from a ‘would I do her/him?’ blink as the first filter; intellect as the second and emotional and spiritual identity as the third. Instead, what I see in the ‘looking for’ are, “must have a motorcycle”, “I like tattoos”, “would have to like my dog” and the classic, “is just as happy curled up n the couch watching a good DVD as going out for a good meal”…. Good Luck!
So, with an information based search, how useful is most of that information even if it was true? Useless. Completely useless! What the hell is ‘good’ exactly? “One man’s meat…”, and all that folks. Give me some information I can use.
Hmmm… maybe not… I’d just have to work out what were lies all over again. I think I’ll just go back to the hottest photos and thank my lucky stars I’m only a lurking browser doing his living in the real world.
Sharky
Cute, young writer seeks a real man
I’ve already said I’m a trawler, but if I were a poster, here’s what my online ad would look like:
I’m 25 years old and I live in [this city]. I have an olive/tan complexion, short dark hair and hazel eyes. I’m curvy (and I don’t mean fat, I could just do without the extra 10kg I’ve put on since leaving varsity). I'm funny, charming, sensitive — that means I have mood swings but I’m easily swayed with flowers (preferably rare and exotic orchids), gifts (True Religion jeans/ Gucci purse/ diamond earrings etc), and romantic dinners (beluga caviar, foie gras, vintage Krug - purrrr).
Passionate and passive lover, loves pashing, not so much a cuddler but likes holding hands in public. A little bossy but likes a man who’s in charge. Social butterfly with slight jealousy streak and is an accidental flirt herself.
I’m artistic so my ideal boyfriend is someone I can bounce ideas off and who inspires me. My favourite qualities in a man: wise + caring + down to earth, preferably employed, owns a razor and a toothbrush, 4 limbs, heartbeat… okay, limbs negotiable.
Call me.
Doodie.com
This could be someone you know or have met/shook hands with:
Just click search
So I’m hit every day with affirmations as to what wonderful, stable, intelligent goddesses are out there just waiting to make both my acquaintance AND the completion of my world… Wow, I can’t hardly wait…. Where to start?... The interwebs seems to be where it’s all happening these days. At least that’s what I’m led to believe by the number of times I hear, “Oh, I just don’t go to bars” and, “There just isn’t anywhere to meet people now”. Internet dating site here I come. Hmmm, first question is, “part with some $$ on my credit card or do a cheapo free trial run?”… meh, cheapo will do for now. After all, how do I know what’s lurking behind the storefront? Trust me, it wasn’t too long before I worked that out…. And it didn’t look to be goddess-like let alone stable! 15 Minutes in and any prejudice I might have had was confirmed in spades. Shall we sample some profiles?... why not?...
“Shy initally with GOSH”… He says, “Yeah, I’m a bit shy to say gosh at first too… but once you get me started, there’s just no stopping me until I get to golly gee!”
“exMODEL,attractive, PROFESSIONAL-A/cant-Loves DESIGN, SLIM, Fit, Sophisticated, CARING, Reliable, LOYAL, Trustworthy.Outgoing,soh,vibrant.”… He says, “Look, if you’re going to shout at me; can you at least pick the meaningful words. OR… is this code?… for… ummm… PSYCHO!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!”
“will be continuing to work on my own cd this year praying”… He says, “Praying on a CD is not a visual I’d considered before. I guess that is the value of the internet; new perspectives…. To avoid!”
“Come to discover me, I am full of bubbles. Once you open it, I am sure you cannot really stop it.”… He says, “If you want to fart in my face…. We’re done professionally”
“I have recently found out my partner of ten years was being unfaithfull i was a loyal and fun loving person and love walks and talks i like having fun with my kids camping i have been told im witty and funny i live in the country with a river”… He says, “I’m sure there’s a segue in there somewhere but for the life of me… maybe I should come back when the punctuation bus has passed through your profile?”
Sharky
Don’t lie, we know you do
Considering the fact that people spent US$228 million on internet dating services in 2002 and the industry has been growing US$100 million per year (we should be at US$850 million-ish by now yes? I have a full time job, so don’t ask me to dig out the exact figures) — Roy Morgan interviews (which are conducted face to face and on the phone) report only 17 percent of people use/admit to using online dating sites. The actual number of tracked visits to such sites say these interviewees either live on Pluto or are lying sacks of s**t. Because 60 percent of people, really, meet other people through online dating sites and please don’t make me identify my sources. I heard it at work and I trust the mouth these figures came out of to be prett-ay spot on.
That leaves muah and my trusty friend, Sharky, appropriately named because, well, it’s a long story (he dates a lot, all disastrous) (sorry!), with a GOLDMINE of people to ridicule; mainly the idiots who post ridiculous ads. I wonder how many people post the ads versus how many people are trawlers. I’m a trawler. It gives me the freedom to chose who I divulge my fake “lolabunny573@yahoo” email address to, without the hassle of trawling through my own inbox and stumbling upon messages that rob me of what little girl-innocence I have left.
When I was a student in Wellington, I lived with a hot Brooke Burke look alike. We were cute, young, smart and developing a scurvy-like skin reaction from dating deficiency. We hit the bars but it was always the same old crowd: boy racers, poster boys for HIV and drunk farmers. At the end of the night it’d be me and her and a chicken iskander on Courtney Place.
Then we found findsomeone.co.nz and boy did we find a couple: I actually hit the jackpot once or twice. One twenty something blonde and gallant copywriter/ graphic designer took me on a date to Oriental Bay at night. He set out a large wool blanket on the beach and fed me strawberries, white chocolate & raspberry Kapiti ice cream, chocolate truffles, wine… He was funny, handsome and I can’t remember what we talked about but I do remember thinking there was something not quite right about the whole thing. I mean, we met online and exchanged a couple of emails. I guess some people met on the street, exchange a few texts on Saturday afternoon and end up in bed together sucking on each others’ bits. So why the stigma around online dating?
Maybe the answer lies in the worse: Brooke Burke-y and I were out one Friday night when I got a text from SixPackJoe. I told him to come and meet us on the dancefloor — when I saw him, panic washed over me, as though the room was suddenly flooded with water and I had to find a way out, fast. The guy was half my height. He wasn’t a midget. He was simply half my height. The first thing Brooke-y said was “Didn’t you check his height on his profile?” Come on, it’s New Zealand, ALL the guys are tall-ish. We pretended to get into the music but totally ignored him, his gaze (that was easy) but he bobbed around like a little unwanted jellyfish.
Anyway, that was four years ago. It’s time to have a little fun with this online dating business again.
Liz
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