Who’s driving anyway?

Here’s what women, or at least I, understand about men: You’re probably thinking about sex with lil’ ole me sipping my vino across you. Your ego is more precious than your family jewels and instead of ‘jealous’, you’re simply territorial.
Basically, no matter how many Emilio Zegna suits you own and Biotherm products you slop on your handsome devil face — no matter how much art you patronize, you’re inherently, a fucking caveman.



Yet you still want your woman to be independent, have a job, birth babies, pay half the mortgage AND hit on you. Tsk tsk. Shame on you. Lest we forget, cook like Gordon Ramsay.

Sorry, who’s driving again?

You (males) should be. You know the saying “too many cooks spoil the soup”? It’s the same in a relationship — and please don’t make this complicated for me by going into the intricacies of timelines (i.e. “I’ll go Dutch initially until we’re going steady, maybe two weeks down the track.” You won’t last two screws with that attitude). The relationship starts the minute you meet her.

I know what you’re thinking. “Wow that really gives me alotta perspective about just how many failed romances I’ve got in my bag”. Its okay, it’s not too late to change.
I’ll get to ‘What men hate about women and why we act that way’, eventually. But I’ll give you a hint: it’s inversely related to how men think/behave.

I think it’s got a lot to do with gender roles being blurred in the 80s and women spitting on men for holding a fucking door open. Those bra burning Lesbos really mucked things up good with their feminism movement. I’m sure I don’t mean that in a career sense, but romantically, well, those lines should have been dealt with separately.

Maybe it’s just a case of redefining equality and gender roles. Or maybe it’s a matter of going with what we’re comfortable with as individuals (some women break out at the thought of a man picking up the cheque, others get wildly turned on) and doing away with gender roles altogether. Of course, assuming equality always, as sophisticated beings.

But at the end of the day, the male is ultimately in the driver’s seat. So if you’re date is awkward, uncomfortable and you can sense the chances of getting your willy stroked are slim to none, don’t bitch about the girl to your mates at the pub.

It’s you, not her.

Liz

Be a fucking man

The last post lead me to one of the most pondered dating questions: Is it okay for a woman to approach a man?

Of course it’s fucking okay as long as he doesn’t own a rifle and a menacing desire to blow someone’s brains out. Most guys (note use of the term guys and not men) will say they wouldn’t normally approach a woman (losers) but are always happy when (good looking) females approach them.

The thing is, if you think of yourself as a self-respecting guy and you start stealing flirtatious/interested glances with a woman, and she reciprocates — be a fucking man and go up to her.

Smile. Say hi. Pay her a compliment. Keep it sincere. Follow up with a question to indicate interest (“Do you work around here?). Don’t out-linger your welcome. “I’d really love to stay and chat but I’ve got to get going (make her despair), but I’d love to take you out (treat her like a lady) to dinner. Are you free on (be assertive) Friday night (and decisive)? I know a great place (be a charming host) that does great Mexican food and Margheritas (be fun). Do you like Mexican food? (Check for allergies). Ask for her number (be a fucking man). Text her and hour later and tell her how much you thanked the heavens for making her acquaintance. Exchange a few flirty sms. Tell her exactly where and what time to meet. Done. Playa.

There is a difference between having game, and playing games.

Finally, on date night: be normal. Be in control.

Next post: What guys hate about women and why we act that way.

Liz

Whatever happened to meeting people in real life?

Prepubescent males are too chickenshit to approach lovely lone women reading the current best seller while sipping on trim lattes in cafes. They’d rather sit behind the protective comfort of their laptops and post ads to play nappy fetish games with depressed Goths.

My lovely 17 year old cousin was talking to me about boys yesterday. She’s going through that awkward phase in a young woman’s life where she’s not quite sure if she’s beautiful or desirable simply because she doesn’t have a boyfriend in Junior College, she’s not sure she fits in with the other girls and thinks there’s something wrong with her. We’ve all been there, and for some reason, keep going back there, even in our adult lives. Freggin’ ridiculous.

Anyway, I told her she should put on a frilly dress, strappy heels, touch of blush and a dash of mascara and head to a breezy café with a good, but light, book. “2 in 5 times, you’ll get hit on” I assured her. Her response: “That is so cool, but you know, my parents are being really strict now” (She lives in Singapore).

My response: “I was a pro at getting out of the iron grip. What’s your situation like? On second thoughts, I’m sure you’ll get a chance to spend a few hours by yourself one of these weekends” Screw her parents calling me up and accusing me of their angel’s fall from grace.

But it got me thinking about the last time I met a dashing young man while minding my own business, going about my day. It’s been a really long time, and it definitely hasn’t happened to me living in New Zealand or Australia.

Liz

Gumtree Australia personals get personal

Oh goodie. 'Hotmaleforu' now has to go through the tedious process of giving up a few more details to RSVP, Gumtree's new online dating partner, in order to connect with other members. In the past, it was simply a case of filling out an online form where the only fields 'bozo79' had to fill out were title, description, email address and viola! Now, lonely singles and married spouses alike have to sign up to RSVP with their names, date of births AND agree to the Ts and Cs.

Do you think this sign up process will deter The Last-Minute Man and other assorted pee-pee pullers?

Don't get me wrong, I do believe it's possible for two people who are meant to be to find each other online but let's face it, there's alotta toads and scum out there. Although, I wonder if this means I'll have less ass wipes to make fun of. Plus, I have to sign up to become a dang member if I want to trawl through the profiles now. Not that Gumtree is my only source of muses, but it was the easiest to trawl.

Oh well, at least RSVP looks free.

How to read (through) online personals: Nicknames

The only thing a dating site search engine doesn’t filter is weirdos. You have to do that for yourself — but we already know this, yes? So here's a subtle thing you ought to be looking out for, and by that I mean scrutinize, when you're trawling through online personals: a member's chosen nickname.

Someone who goes by “John (obviously not his real name) Smith” is probably a safer bet than “LoveMonkey2000”. You have to think of someone’s chosen alias as their alter ego. Would you go on a date with someone who thinks of himself as 'Captain America' (loves comics), 'mrnatural' (likes sex without condoms) or 'established' (lower third quartile income bracket with no taste)?

Similarly, and if you are looking for love online, for the love of God, put some care into the alias you chose for yourself. You might think SweetBunny71 reflects your sweet and cute nature, but trust me, it makes weirdos think “Mmm, Bunny likes to bounce a lot... How you doin'?” Even the nice ones out there will judge you based on your chosen alias. Go for something simple, like Jane, or Susan. Ladies please, 'luckyufoundme' is not going to evoke a response from any half decent gentleman and will only serve to attract desperados and you don't want that, do you now.

Liz

Personal of the week

Title: im looking for an asian girl

hello. im looking for an asian girl.

Hello Easy Pleaser. This guy is looking for; you guessed it, an asian girl.
Will Miss Swan do?

This guy is definitely a lazy sob. He doesn’t seem to have any other requirements (short/tall, slim/slimmer, long hair/short hair, young/old) apart from being ‘asian’. In which case, he could go to a number of places to pick up an oriental takeaway. Chinatown, photo sticker booths, Asian gift stores (you know, the ones that sell everything pink and glittery but nothing actually useful) and bus stops are all good starting points.

Although, if like Easy Pleaser you find meeting girls in public places doesn’t hold a high success rate, please stop freaking them out with the wild gleam Crazy Eyes! Or simply approach the ones that can’t get away from you, this includes the girls in the bubble tea booth and any retail outlet. But if you fancy the girl at the spicy noodle stand be warned: her Auntie is slaughtering chickens in the back room and she isn't afraid to take a swipe at the odd pervert.

Liz

Mirror, mirror

OK, so how not to come across as a curmudgeon or bitterly rejected? Oh I know, just lie or be inconsistent. By accounts, it seems to be the way to go when writing profiles and posting photos.

From the 47-year old Aucklander who lists herself as 39 but ‘cleverly’ reveals her true age in one of the ‘deeper’ pages of her profile through to another who describes herself as a “full-time Mum” (admirable) who ‘just love[s] to go sailing in the Islands’ (Sugar daddy admirals only need apply).

So, what’s the reader or aspiring dater really supposed to think? Should we discount everything we read by a certain ratio and so assume all listings are lies? Should we ignore what people write and just rely on the pictures; knowing that if the face doesn’t fit we can just leave?

And what do readers think of our profiles and do they expect the truth? Where does game theory come in? Does it matter? Of course none of it matters! The information richness of the arena almost forces participants to either lie (“I have lots of friends and a really full life and my friends say I’m the most wonderful person never to have won the Nobel Prize for best friend forever.”) or just make stuff up to fill in the gaps (“My hobbies are car racing and shopping”) so as not to sound too… dare I say it?... DULL! How sad is that the contestants in this little beauty parade are forced by intense scrutiny to deny both their own realness and their acceptance of the realness of others?

The reality is that what every wannabe half of a whole is looking for is developed from a ‘would I do her/him?’ blink as the first filter; intellect as the second and emotional and spiritual identity as the third. Instead, what I see in the ‘looking for’ are, “must have a motorcycle”, “I like tattoos”, “would have to like my dog” and the classic, “is just as happy curled up n the couch watching a good DVD as going out for a good meal”…. Good Luck!

So, with an information based search, how useful is most of that information even if it was true? Useless. Completely useless! What the hell is ‘good’ exactly? “One man’s meat…”, and all that folks. Give me some information I can use.

Hmmm… maybe not… I’d just have to work out what were lies all over again. I think I’ll just go back to the hottest photos and thank my lucky stars I’m only a lurking browser doing his living in the real world.

Sharky